The Maid

Published on 24 May 2023 at 20:36

It had been a long time since my whole family was in the same place at the same time. Immediately, the moms requested a family photo. Family photos always gave me a little pause. I don’t think I knew why at the time. Now, I understand that family photos came with hesitation; believing that anyone not familiar with our family would see it and say, “Who is that?”. Like one of those picture books for children asking them to identify the one thing that is not like the others.

We were a large family of 17 people. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and mom. I'm sure there was at least one dog too. After the chaos of what inevitably occurs when trying to get a large group photo with little kids was over, the camera made its rounds so everyone could see the results. And yes, this was during the era of actual cameras before camera phones took over the world.  

Almost immediately someone said, “Hana looks like the maid!”. Everyone laughed. My fear became reality not from an outsider, but from my inner family circle. My heart sank. I felt myself shrinking inside wanting to hide. My brain was flooded with possible reactions. Do I speak up and express my hurt? Do I act like I didn’t hear the comment? Do I let the tears I feel building up come to the surface? Do I react with the anger I felt? Do I attempt to explain why the seemingly innocent joke is offensive to me and to others whose race is often stereotyped as “the help”?

I did none of the above. I did what I had done my entire life. I laughed. I agreed. I loudly said, "Oh my god, I do! That's so funny!". The subject changed and I never brought it up again. To this day, I've never revisited that moment with my family. I don't even think anyone will remember the joke. In all fairness, this was probably 15 years ago.

But for me, it’s a core memory. A stain. The pebble in my shoe. Incidents like this don’t make me doubt my family’s love for me. I know wholeheartedly that they love, support and accept me. But do they understand me? I don’t see how they could. It’s not their fault. They have the privilege of acceptance almost everywhere they go.

They don’t scan every room they enter for someone that looks like them. They don’t dodge judgmental side-eye glances. They don’t shake someone’s hand and experience them suddenly recoil like their hand is covered in dog poop. They aren't constantly asked, "Where are you REALLY from?" as if telling a stranger where I lived for the first 18 years of my life was untrue and not enough. Or my favorite, "What are you?".

I like to think that at this point in my life, I would speak up, but lifelong conditioning is hard to beat. And why is it different with family? Expressing my disdain for such a comment with a friend or stranger comes easily to me. But my family? They should be the safest group of people to express such feelings to and logically, at least in my family, they are. But logic doesn't always find its rightful place amongst the barrage of feelings one experiences. Instead of being at the front of the line, logic is barricaded behind a wall of stone, steel, and bricks that would take the hand of God to break down.

I'm not telling this story because I want some sort of acknowledgment or apology from my family. Actually, I secretly hope they never read this. I'm sharing this story because being mixed-race is complicated even amongst the best families like mine. What do I hope comes from this story? I hope that a relative of a mixed-race person reads this and does better. Encourages their family to do better and recognizes that even the most innocent jokes can be harmful. 

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a year ago

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