I was watching an interview that Oprah did with Quinta Brunson, the creator, and star of Abbott Elementary. At one point during the interview, they both shared that they had never, ever experienced Imposter Syndrome. I immediately thought to myself, "How is that even possible? I feel like an imposter more than I don't!"
Not familiar with imposter syndrome? Let me tell you about it. Psychology Today explains it as “…that gnawing feeling of self-doubt and incompetence coupled with the dread of being exposed as a fraud." This feeling often comes with high anxiety and can present itself in many scenarios like school, the workplace, and social activities.
The thought that there are people out there who never deal with Imposter Syndrome stunned me and the notion took up residence in my brain. This nagging thought forced me to ask, "When did I start feeling like an imposter?"
I eventually pinpointed the exact age and location the idea I was somehow not supposed to be here occurred. I was 7 years old and grocery shopping with my mom at our local Cash Wise. As we went to the checkout line, I was ahead of my mom and proudly placed all our items on the conveyor belt. The cashier gave me a puzzled look and asked, "Are you adopted?" Now, let's take a moment and acknowledge that this older woman had no tact and ignored the fact she was asking a little child an insanely inappropriate question. Don't be this person! Anyway, I didn't know how to answer and stood there frozen.
Eventually, my mom chimed in with a simple "No." Still, I was left feeling embarrassed and insecure. This was the first time I was consciously aware that I didn't look like I belonged to my mom. For context, imagine a white woman with dark red hair and deep blue eyes, basically Lucille Ball. Then, there was me. Olive-skinned, light brown eyes, dark brown hair, and facial features that gave little indication of my ethnicity except for "other."
For years after that incident, I was hyper-aware that I couldn't blend in with my mom's family or the white-majority city where I lived. Then for my 16th birthday, my dad decided to take me to India to meet his family for the first time. My first thought? I would be in a city where I would blend in and not get asked offensive questions or repeatedly dodge those judgmental side-eye glances.
I arrived in India and quickly realized that even there, I was an oddity. My hair was naturally a lighter brown, not black. My eyes were a weird golden brown and not dark brown. And my facial features were muted making me "pretty but different…". Did a random stranger throw rocks at me while I walked into a dress shop to buy Indian clothing to help me blend in more? Yes, that happened.
Experiences like these are what led to me feeling like an imposter. It became part of my personality and bled into almost every aspect of my life. I am fully aware of this flaw and have become better at talking myself out of it when the imposter whisperers appear. Still, I'm not perfect.
Last year, I was privileged to join a new minority-owned, women-led company. They are my dream team. Yet, those unfounded feelings of self-doubt creep in almost daily. There is no logical reason why I shouldn't be part of this outstanding group of women. I am! I'm here! If my colleagues read this, they'll probably be shocked that I feel this way. But, it is my truth whether it's grounded in facts or not.
In conclusion, I'm not saying that being mixed race causes Imposter Syndrome. For me, it was the match that lit the fire. Often, mixed-race people I talk to experience this within their own families. So do I. For me, this is the equivalent of throwing gas on the fire. But that's another story for another day.
Is Imposter Syndrome a lifelong sentence? Maybe. Am I going to continue to overcome it? Absolutely. No question. In that, I have no self-doubt.
P.S. Imposter Syndrome can suck it!
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